


One Last Chance

by KissontheW1nD



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: D.O. - Freeform, Do Kyungsoo - Freeform, EXO - Freeform, F/M, Reader request
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-10
Updated: 2015-06-09
Packaged: 2018-04-03 18:03:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4110058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KissontheW1nD/pseuds/KissontheW1nD
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The person I fell in love with was awful - a real devil, and a cold, heartless fool. Do Kyungsoo had known me and I had known him since grade school yet we were total strangers. I wanted to believe there was something there, and I wanted to believe he thought so, too. I wanted for him to return my love, but time and time again I was left alone with my broken heart. My mother always told me to protect myself. I would only confess when he did so I anticipated that day. I waited just for him. I gave him one last chance.</p><p> </p><p>My first one shot! :v<br/>A story featuring D.O. and O.C. (that's not her name btw lolz) as requested by Genie97~<br/>I don't feel like writing more of a description.<br/>It's a one shot just read it.<br/>Thanks for your love and supports <3</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One Last Chance

Why was he like this? Do KyungSoo was a real devil; yes he was. We were friends since pre-school, the closest of friends. He was a small thing, small and strong and sweet and playful. One thing always bothered me about that guy though. He was always so quiet, so distant, and he rarely opened up to anyone even me. Yet, for some reason, he always expected me to know how he felt. I guess when you’ve known someone for as long as we’d known each other, something like that is to be expected, but I’m not a mind reader! And who was he to expect me to be one? If he wanted me to know how he felt, he could’ve just said so! But no he never opened to up to anyone. He never told me anything.  
It was a month before the end of summer. We had both just graduated and were getting ready to go our separate ways. Kyungsoo always said he wanted to be a singer, but I never expected him to actually pursue such a foolhardy dream. It was stupid of him! He should have gone for a job that was stable, something that could sustain him and his future family for sure, but that’s just my opinion. We actually ended up fight about it a lot. I only had his best interest at heart yet he always took me to mean that he wouldn’t make it as a singer. We never saw eye-to-eye.  
Anyways! That’s a completely different story! Sorry, I’ll be more focused from now on. Did I even tell you my name? It’s Lee Sunmi in case you were wondering. What I was saying was: we were getting ready to go our separate ways. Kyungsoo had been signed to SM Entertainment, one of the biggest labels in Korea, while I was accepted in to my dream school, Yale. He was going to Seoul, and I was going to America. Knowing all this, he showed no sign that he cared at all. Whenever we were together, in fact, he barely said a word. He was quiet to begin with, but this is some new level of silence he had never treated me to before. For the longest time, I thought it was my fault, maybe I had done something, but it didn’t take long to realize Kyungsoo was just being a jerk.  
The same jerk he had been for years upon years. The same jerk I had put up with since grade school. The same jerk I fell in love with time and time again. And the same jerk who always broke my heart every time.  
That day, the jerk was meeting up with me and a few of our other friends for lunch. My boyfriend insisted that he should come along as this would not only be my last month with Kyungsoo but with him as well. I didn’t dare deny him so we went to meet the others for lunch together.  
I don’t know why, but for whatever reason, I thought that Kyungsoo might actually try and talk up some especially with other people to carry the conversation along. Yet even with them there, he rarely acknowledge anything I said.  
“I’m still amazed you got into Yale!” Gahyeon exclaimed suddenly. She was one of our friends, or, at least, one of mine. She and D.O. were complete opposites, and her brightness seemed to annoy him more often than not.  
“Is it really that unbelievable?” I questioned in return. “With hard work and dedication, I don’t think there’s anything that can’t be accomplished. Or are you saying I’m stupid?”  
Everyone laughed at my joke (even me cuz I’m pretty freakin’ hilarious), but D.O. just smiled fakely so he wouldn’t have to fake the laugh. Apparently, my jokes weren’t funny to him anymore. He was so annoying. “I didn’t mean that at all!” Gahyeon replied suddenly. “It’s just…” she hesitated to continue, piquing my interest.  
“I get it,” my dearest boyfriend said. His name was Kim Jin Woo, but I called him KJ. “I think she’s trying to say that we can’t imagine you’re actually leaving.” Gahyeon nodded enthusiastically approving of his assumption.  
Suddenly, the mood was downtrodden, drenched by the thought that soon we wouldn’t be able to meet like this anymore. There was a short lull in the conversation before I finally spoke up. “Well, it won’t be forever, and you guys know how long I’ve wanted this. Is it really that hard to believe? What about Kyungsoo getting into SM Entertainment?”  
I was hoping to include him in the conversation, but moments after my saying that I could tell from everyone’s response that they completely misunderstood me. “So are you saying, you didn’t think he would?”  
“No!” I exclaimed before explaining that I meant that it was much less likely for someone to become a singer and even less likely for them to be successful. It was true, but I guess there was no place for something like that in the conversation. The others seemed to shrug it off to avoid my foot inserting itself in my mouth anymore.  
Thusly, my attempts to warm Kyungsoo’s cold glare fell in vain, and I could feel my shoulders tense up as the air around the table did. Then my balled up hands were being so lightly tickled at the top of my knuckles. KJ was reminding me he was still there for me even if Kyungsoo would give me a cold shoulder forever. He smiled at me, and I forced myself to smile back before pecking his lips.  
Right then, I got a certain chill up my spine as if the daggers Kyungsoo were staring into me had sharpened. Around the time our food came to the table, the pointed ends of those daggers reminded me of a far off memory. I hadn’t thought about it in so long, in fact, it almost felt like I had made it up. I remembered it so suddenly the overwhelming nostalgia it gave me came with a shock. It was one of those times where you could so clearly remember it that suddenly the image filled your mind and your eyes almost as if you were there again.  
I sat there and Kyungsoo sat across from me just like we were just then. In junior high, we all used to call him D.O., and before he used to be even smaller than he was now. He was picked on all the time, and back then he was more than hotheaded enough to stand up to them. A strong will wasn’t enough to beat someone bigger, stronger, tougher, and much meaner than you, but he always tried.  
He sat there across from me in that diner with his head placed heavily on his crossed arms. His cheeks were even pudgier back then, but all I could notice was his bruised eye. I thought he was so cool for being so brave and facing his bully head on, but in retrospect, it was stupid of him to mouth off at him especially with a shiner like the one he got because of it.  
Still, he was cool to me and really cute though he hated when I called him that. Our waitress was really pretty! I could remember thinking that when she brought us our milkshakes in glasses that had been frozen over inside. While I stirred mine with the straw to loosen up the tightened icy goodness, I noticed that D.O. rested his hurt eye on its frozen edge.  
I felt bad for him. I recalled myself saying something like, “Does that help?”  
He looked up at me confused and maybe a little shocked by his own action. Tearing his face away from what I could have assumed was a relieving chill, he responded, “What are you talking about?”  
He wasn’t very good at playing dumb, and I wasn’t very good at playing along. “Your eye – it hurts, right? Does putting it against the glass help?”  
“I’m fine, okay!” he insisted trying to act tough. He ruined it by pouting afterwards while stirring away at his shake. He was so cute and I told him so which of course made him angry. I remember it well when he told me, “I’m not a baby! I’m not weak because small! Don’t make fun of me because I’m younger!”  
A day younger – just one day. My head was crunched clean off by that response. Said response was reminiscent of the lines of a well-known song. As I always did when I thought of songs, I went straight into singing it. “어리다고 놀리지 말아요 수줍어서 말도 못하고!” I shouted melodically. “어리다고 놀리지 말아요 스쳐가는 얘기뿐인걸!”  
D.O. never was fond of my singing. “Will you stop, please?”  
“You started it with your song references and all that!” He scowled at me with one of the sourest faces a cutie like him could ever make which of course only made me want to tease him more. “Besides you don’t think you’re the only person who likes to sing do you? What if I wanted to be a singer, hm? I think we should be rivals! Let’s see who will be first to be a professional singer, and then we’ll see who can make more money, and then we’ll see who has the most fans! And then—”  
At that point as anyone probably would, he was done hearing my endless babbling on about things that would obviously never happen. “Do you ever shut up?” he hissed with his face still disgruntled like before. “I told you not to make fun of me! You know you’ll never really be a singer!”  
“And you know I don’t want to! I’m going to be an engineer!” I exclaimed it proudly because I was sure there was no way I wouldn’t be one. I was going to the top college in the world if it was the last thing I ever accomplished in my life.  
“Do you even know what an engineer is?” D.O. continued to mouth off to me. “I don’t think you’re smart enough to be one.”  
My blood had started to boil at that point. As cute as he was, who was he to say something like that? Even thinking about it now makes me upset. There were a lot of ways I could’ve responded now that I look back at the conversation, but in a quick burst, I shouted, “Well, I’m still smarter than you, Mr. ‘C average!’”  
We went back and forth for a while as kids always did without an adult to intervene, but eventually, we had yelled so much that we literally left each other out of breath. By that point, our milkshakes had melted a good deal, and the two of us stared each other down quietly as we tried to savor them before they were to completely dissolve and lose what made them what they were. The thought made me think about what made me who I was, but the lowly developed brain of a girl in junior high wasn’t exactly ready for such a deep and meaningful question.  
Still though, I felt our awkward silence had lasted long enough. “Seriously, why try to become a singer?” I asked. He didn’t answer - only stared into his glass and stirred in his milkshake. “What if you don’t make it? What if you don’t become popular? Don’t you want to make money for your family? Aren’t you afraid you might fail?”  
Only a second after I had asked that, he quickly replied. “I’m not scared of anything.”  
He surprised me so much that I couldn’t come up with something else to say. I thought he was just so cool, and I remembered again that he was so cute. I was stricken with word loss so for a while we just sat there in silence.  
Not very long after that, our paper thin sort of ceasefire was reignited by who else but the one who had been giving D.O. a hard time since the year started. His name was Kyungju. I always thought it was ironic that their names were so close, but they couldn’t get along. “Kyung-saeu and Sunmi sittin’ in a tree?” he teased as he approached the booth followed by his gross posse of slobs. “Why don’t you ditch that shrimp and come kiss me?”  
I wasn’t sure if he was trying to rap or if that line was supposed to pick me up or what, but I wasn’t impressed at all. I was going to put him in his place, but D.O. with his hot-tempered self rose up quickly in my stead. “My name is Kyungsoo!” he growled crossly. “Now shut up and leave us alone.”  
“What do you think you’re gonna do if I don’t, shrimp?” Kyungju taunted back. D.O. for once in the face of his bully had frozen up, and after a while, since he didn’t respond, the posse behind him started to snicker. “That’s what I thought! Now go on and run away like you did yesterday or do you want to get another black eye?”  
“Shut up!!” D.O. shouted. “Leave me alone!”  
The next part happened so quickly I was taken by surprise. I had no clue what was different about him saying that a second time, but as soon as he did Kyungju had him jacked up by the collar. “Who do you think you’re yelling at, shrimp?”  
I couldn’t remember what all happened next only that I was suddenly just very scared. The next thing I knew I was up and at D.O.’s side attached to his arm like a koala to a tree. “STOP!” I commanded at the top of my lungs. All eyes were on me then, and I had frozen up while my heart raged with the fury of a wild animal.  
I couldn’t get my head on straight enough to fully comprehend everything that was happening. I had no idea what I could say to stop them from tearing D.O. apart, but when I did stop long enough to realize I was holding tightly to my friend’s skinny arm, I could also feel him tremble. My heart ached at the thought that inside he was truly much more scared than he would admit to me. It also infuriated me for more reasons than one.  
After another extended hole in the conversation, Kyungju again ended the silence. “Listen,” he said somewhat nervously now. “Chick, if you’ll just sit down right there and I’ll get to you in a second. First I have to—”  
Unable to stand listening to his nonsense anymore, my anger took control of me like it had never before. “Who are you calling ‘chick’?” I asked him rhetorically. He was surprised by the fire in my eyes I could tell, and I was going to take advantage of it. “Why are you always messing with us, huh?! What did we ever do to you? Don’t you have someone your own size to go pick on? Or maybe you’re just scared they’ll actually put up a good fight! You’re pathetic, you know that? You obviously have nothing better to do with your time than to make us feel miserable which is just unfair! Why don’t you look at it from our perspective? Do you think this is fun? It isn’t fun for us! You’re just a jerk!”  
“Sunmi,” he said in an attempt to feed me some crappy excuse for having a horrible personality.  
I wasn’t going to listen though. “Shut up!” I shouted as I pushed him away. “Shut up and leave us alone!” I wasn’t completely sure how intimidating all that actually came out to be, but in retrospect, I guess when a girl whose 5 inches taller than you decides to finally stick up for herself it probably would seem a bit scary.  
Honestly, I couldn’t know what was going through his mind, but after I had put him through the ringer, he certainly wasn’t in the mood to put D.O. through. For a second, he just stared into my eyes with some desperate look on his face. After finally processing my words, he nudged his posse members and said, “Let’s go.” And there they went.  
I was pretty proud of myself. I had finally gotten rid of D.O.’s bullies! I thought he would be as happy was I was, but when I turned to face him. Daggers! Back then, I guess I was too young to understand anything. Why were bullies like that? Why was D.O. mad when I told them not to be? Why couldn’t he ever tell me how he felt? But I understand a lot more now. Things are different.  
It turned out a few days later that Kyungju had a crush on me. He told me so after school. Apparently, he had been jealous of D.O. for a long time, but he didn’t know how to confess to me so he picked on him. It didn’t make things any better, and I didn’t admire him anymore for telling the truth. However, when D.O. all of a sudden came out of nowhere and pushed him into a puddle, I did find it amusing.  
I understood then that things weren’t always as black and white as they seemed. I also knew why D.O. was mad at me. He wanted to fight his own battles. I guess there was nothing wrong with that, but I still couldn’t get why he wanted to fight a battle in the first place.  
The only thing I never got around to figure out about that boy was why he could never open up to me. After knowing each other for as long as we had, after all we had been through, even to that day, he couldn’t tell me what he really felt. It annoyed me more than anything else ever had in my entire life.  
Ever since those times, he insisted that everyone call him Kyungsoo. I spent all our lunch time thinking about that one memory, how much the two of us had changed, and everything I felt about it. I’m sure the others had been talking about something much more interesting, but the whole time I hadn’t paid them or my food any mind.  
Shortly after coming to, I realized we had all finished our plates and were talking about another time we could gather like this before we went our separate ways. Considering how well this lunch date had gone though I wasn’t exactly feeling that would be a good idea. I told them as much saying, “I think I’ll skip out actually.” When they all whimpered and cried for a reason, I told them I wanted to get a head-start on getting ready for Yale. They ate up my lie like an Oreo without the cream – depressing.  
I questioned whether it was wrong that I really didn’t care, but I got over it pretty quickly. Quick enough in fact to insist that I needed to end this early so I could go back and get ready right then. Such a statement, of course, took everyone at the table by surprise. Kyungsoo especially seemed suddenly interested in my wanting to leave.  
With another round of whimpering, they all told me to make it home safely and that they hoped I would change my mind about seeing them again. Meanwhile, I simply hoped they wouldn’t get their hopes up. If I didn’t see any of them again, I don’t think I’d have minded. There was a moment when I met Kyungsoo’s eyes though where I did find myself wanting to stay. His round eyes and full lips which magnified his pure and innocent looking face – it went against everything that he really was. He was a walking paradox.  
I’ll never be able to understand him or what he made me feel. “Bye D.O.,” I said to his surprise. I’m sure it was a name he hadn’t heard in years, but I couldn’t tell if hearing it made him happy, nostalgic, or if I had just annoyed him again. In any case, I bid everyone what I thought would be a final farewell and went on my way.  
The only person I would talk to in the weeks after that was my boyfriend. The rest of them I never spared as much of a word even Kyungsoo. I was fine with it, too. It gave me more time to myself and my memories which wasn’t always a good thing. There are good times, there’s always good times, but with the good also comes the bad.  
Do Kyungsoo was a devil. He really was. When he was in a good mood, he was a total sweetheart. Every year, we would exchange diaries with each other on the 14th like all the close friends and couples did; it became a tradition ever since our fifth year in grade school. It was one of the reasons we came to be so close and one of the few ways I got to know what Kyungsoo really felt.  
Everything changed when I started dating though. From the way he treated me to the way we talked to each other, everything was different. It was our first year of high school. Kyungsoo had finally had his [first and only] growth spurt making us the same sight. I met the sweetest guy whose name I regrettably can’t even remember at this point, and before long we started seeing each other as more than friends. He took me out more than once, and I sorta fell for him.  
We started dating more and more often until it got to the point where most of the school recognized us as the “it” couple. I saw little of D.O. in those days, but I remember when I did winter break had come around and it was Diary Day again. I was so excited to trade our diaries since they were so close to reaching the end. We had told each other that we would have to do something really special when that day came, but when I met D.O. for our yearly exchange, something was awry in the atmosphere.  
I was still excited though. Extending the diary to him, I went on about how much I had anticipated reaching the end of our diaries. “I lost mine,” he said solemnly not even looking me in the eye.  
At first, with all my certainty, I thought it was a joke laughing and even asking, “No, really, Kyungsoo. Where is it?”  
“I don’t know.”  
“You mean you really lost it?”  
“That’s what I said, isn’t it?”  
I don’t remember what all I said then, but I remember letting him know what for. “How could you lost it?” I yelled at one point. All I remember was thinking about how insensitive and careless he was; how stupid he was for losing it; how much of a jerk he was for not even apologizing for it!  
Then, in the midst of my ranting his ear off, he shouted at me, “Well, if it meant so much to you, why don’t you go trade diaries with your boyfriend?!”  
Of all the places to cause a scene, he picked the middle of the mall. The sudden raising of his voice put all eyes on us. The entire courtyard stared as if we were street performers who had frozen mid-performance. It was embarrassing in every way I could imagine, and I had no come back in the world that could be considered good enough to respond with. In fit of rage, I turned back to him and said, “Fine! I will!” then stormed off.  
Looking at the old beat up diary then, I was surprised our friendship survived that. It was even more surprising actually that I kept the old thing for so long. I remember telling myself maybe he would find it, and we could pick up where we left off. Maybe that’s why I still had it. Maybe, somewhere in my heart I wanted to give him another chance.  
Even so, I couldn’t accept the way he acted whenever I found someone I really liked. Why was he like that? I just couldn’t understand. I could never understand the way he thought, the way he felt, or anything about him. He was a total enigma to me, and he obviously liked it that way because he never told me anything. I hated it, and I hated him. I hated him so much.  
Around just then, after I thought that, “DING-DONG,” the doorbell chimed. I figured my dad probably forgot his keys again so I rushed downstairs to let him in, but when I opened the door, I was surprised to find it was the hated one standing in the threshold.  
He who shall not be named looked at me with a sort of unnerved look on his face. “What are you doing here?” I asked him.  
He ignored the question making a quick survey of his surroundings before asking his own, “Are your parents home?” A strange and sudden interrogation that took me completely by surprised.  
“No,” I replied. “Why do you want to see them, anyways?”  
That said, he looked somewhat longingly into my eyes, a way I had never seen him look at me or anyone before. Even without a proper invite inside, he stepped in and closed the door behind him. My heart booming like fireworks in my chest, I wondered why Kyungsoo was suddenly like this.  
Before I could question it, I found Kyungsoo’s lips forced against mine. It was all happening so quickly. His arms were suddenly wrapped around me. We were suddenly sharing the same breath. These feelings I didn’t know I had were suddenly surfacing. Yet still, this was all so wrong! I had a boyfriend! I couldn’t! I shouldn’t!  
I pushed him away with all my strength only to get the full view of his pathetic misty-eyes. Practically hyperventilating, I was completely appalled by his actions. “What are you doing?” I questioned above my panting.  
He didn’t answer me. Only stepping slowly closer and closer, he reached out to me and softly stroke my cheek before whispering, “I’m sorry.”  
Trying pathetically not to fall for it, not to fall for him again, I extended my arm and pushed him away as he leaned in once again. “Don’t,” I warned him as tears welled in my eyes. “We shouldn’t do this! I don’t want to.”  
But I knew I did, and he knew, too. I wanted that to be the reason he didn’t listen. I wanted him to be as in love with me as I was finding myself with him in that moment. His hand squeezed my arm at the wrist and pinned me against the wall as the other grabbed my other arm. Then with as much emotion as two lost lovers reuniting, his lips met mine again as he pressed himself against me.  
As the kiss grew ever more passionate, I lost myself in everything I was feeling, everything I was thinking. The pressure of his tongue against mine, the warmth of his hands as they caressed my body, and everything about that situation was turning me on. His fingers worked their way across my shoulders to my neck to where he could hold my jaw. His left hand fell right down the center of my sternum softly massaging the crevasse of my chest before he went to grabbing me by the waist with both.  
Slowly, his kisses moved from my lips across my face to my cheek then to a quick nip at my ear before he pressed his lips against my neck. While his hands worked on the lower half of my body up and down my legs, the aroma of his lavender shampoo permeated my field of smell as I breathed in and out deeply. Suddenly, I was very aware of myself and realized that I was only in panties and a huge T-shirt. Kyungsoo had a total advantage over me.  
Seeking to even the playing field, I jerked him up by the collar of his shirt and proceeded to unbutton him from the top down revealing his surprisingly muscular chest and abs. I pressed my hand on his heart and felt it race then ventured to stroke him down his torso, back up, then down to his belt buckle. I couldn’t stand the thought of anything being an obstacle between me and him.  
I tugged him by the top of his pants to my room where we could be more private. The sound of our lips smacking together was only overtaken by the click of the door lock. Kyungsoo once again grabbed me by the waist, and I tossed my arms around his neck as I lost myself in his peppermint fresh breath and soft lips. Slowly but surely, we waltzed ourselves back further until falling into my bed. As he continued to thrust against me harder and harder, I pulled him closer and wrapped my legs around his waist. The feeling of his hardened cock pulling in and out was a pleasure I can't begin to describe, but it wouldn’t do this way.  
Kyungsoo went to undress the last of what few articles of clothing were left on me first starting with my T-shirt, and I pulled off his already undone shirt as well. Our kissing only stopped for Kyungsoo to finish taking my shirt off and unclasping my bra. We threw our clothes on the floor beside us then just stared into each other’s eyes. Our lips locked again as Kyungsoo pressed his strong, hot body against mine. His heart jumped faster and faster as his molten fingers moved down my body to slip off my underwear. Mine worked to undo his pants.  
In moments, after we were both exposed, I realized there was absolutely no going back. Kyungsoo’s pants undone, he pulled out the pack of condoms from his back pocket and smoothly tore it open. So many things ran through my mind as Kyungsoo’s lips once again found mine. I bit him softly as I thought about how wrong this was, how right it felt, how long I had been denying it, how long Kyungsoo must have been denying it. As his hot breath traveled down to my chest, I also thought about all the horrible things he had done and said to me over the years. His tongue tentatively traced the shape of my hardened nipples while my anger and hurt continued to burn hotter.  
I grabbed him at the back of the head tangling my fingers through his hair as he went lower and lower. The moaning that ensued with his teeth tenderly grinding through my privates was the only thing that could transcend the sound of all our past arguments, every awful thing he had ever shouted at me, all the bad things he had ever done echoing in my ears. When he was done I found myself once against pinned at the wrists while he kissed me softly just above my collar bone. I shouted when he was finally in. I never would’ve guessed in all the years that I knew him that Kyungsoo was so big.  
While he thrust at me with his pelvis, he used one hand to pin both my wrists at the head of the bed and the other to stroke my breasts, my ribs, my hips, and my butt. It all seemed as if a walk through our relationship together. He constantly had control and had me strung out torturously refusing to tell me even the most minor details of his feelings.  
I was sick and tired of it. Ripping one of my hands from his pin, I grabbed the back of his head like before and forced him to face me so I could kiss him hard like I wanted to. We rolled and rolled until I was finally on top riding him like a bucking rhino. I was the one thrusting into him now; I was the one who had him pinned.  
Simultaneously thrusting into each other, we both moaned out as my body fell on his. I grabbed at his shoulders for support while I kept at my attempt to dominate both his body and the bed. His hands in an instant had latched onto my butt squeezing as he pressed me harder and harder onto him and drove himself further and further into me. I let out a yelp and snapped back my neck as Kyungsoo tried his best to pull my hips in and drive straight through me.  
After going at it for so long, my body was admittedly much weaker than when we started. Kyungsoo’s burning lips seared my neck once more as my moans became fewer and farther between. I could feel in my chest that I was nearing the precipice. As I scratched at his back, I knew from Kyungsoo’s weak grunts and occasional wailing that he was too. Bounding back one more time, he gave me the last of what he had, and I took it rather painfully with a resounding, “OHHHHHH!”  
All done, all said (or rather unsaid), we lied in bed beside each other, and I thought this was just like when we were kids. We weren’t naked, of course, but the memories I had of us together came like a tremor after our earth quaking. I remembered every time we spent the night together, every time we slept in the same bed, but never did I realize that I had felt like this about him. I remember the two of us lying just like this under the stars a long time ago.  
He asked me with his voice still so innocent, “Do you think I’ll be star like that when I’m a singer?”  
I was confused by him even back then. “What are you talking about, D.O.?” I asked in a childish but cute naivety.  
“People always call singers ‘stars,’” D.O. said. “Do you think I’ll be a star one day, Sunmi?” I remember thinking back about how people always called actors and big celebrities ‘stars.’ I still didn’t understand what they meant, but I thought since D.O. was so good at singing he would be a star for sure.  
“Yeah!” I exclaimed. “You’ll totally be a star! You’ll have a house next to the moon and everything!”  
I thought I was saying something right, something encouraging, but not long after I told him that, kid D.O. started to cry uncontrollably. I calmed him down just enough to discern what the reason for his tears were amongst the inaudible yowling. “But stars are so lonely and it’s dark at night! I don’t want to be a star! I don’t want to be alone!”  
Understandable back then, but now I realize it was a completely irrational thought to cry over. In my childhood innocence, I scooched close next to D.O. and hugged him tight. “You’ll never be lonely as long as you have me,” I said confidently. “So don’t cry! We’ll be best friends forever!”  
With that long forgotten memory, that scarcely lost and scattered dream, the tears that had welled in my eyes back when we had started finally streamed down the sides of my face. How could I let such a precious treasure slip from my mind? I thought. How could I not recognize the feelings I had for Kyungsoo all this time?  
I turned expecting to be held tightly in his arms only to find that he was already out of bed and half-dressed. “What are you doing?” I said with a shaky voice and emotional unrest.  
“I’m leaving,” he said as he buttoned his shirt back up.  
“Leaving?” I parroted. “But why? You can stay, can’t you? I mean after that you can’t just leave. What did that mean to you?” He paused for a second as he buttoned his top button then went back to dressing up. He trudged out the room rather quickly given the fact that I was in the middle of interrogating him, but even in my nakedness I followed him using the sheets to cover myself.  
I yelled down the foyer of our house as Kyungsoo reached for the door. My heart still unwound I screamed at him as the tears just kept pouring down my face. “So was this just a fling? Do I really mean that little to you?”  
He stopped for a second after he opened the door letting the evening sunlight in then glanced over his cold shoulder one more time before saying, “I’m sorry,” once again before leaving me there.  
Crushed, utterly crushed, I went back to my room and threw myself into bed. There was no other moment that compared to this hurt. I wept loud as ever, and the tears that rolled across my face failed to serve their purpose in quenching the burning rage and anguish I felt.  
Filled with tears, my eyes delicately placed themselves in focus of the old diary I had stared at before. All my memories with him had become sour just like that. The precious happy times, the sordid sadness, and everything we overcame together meant nothing to me.  
That night, I called KJ and broke up with him. I didn’t give a legitimate reason besides that I would be leaving soon and that there was no point in dragging out the inevitable. He couldn’t take that lying down of course, and he tried his best on multiple occasions to change my mind. I refused to see or talk to him until the day I was leaving for Yale.  
My family all saw me off from my parents’ house, and my sister drove me through to see all or rather most of my friends. I didn’t know why I bothered even going to see if Kyungsoo was home. I knew he would avoid me at all costs until I was gone, but something in me hoped otherwise. Something in me hoped that he wasn’t as big of a piece of trash as he had made himself out to be not just now but during our entire life together. I glanced into my handbag in my lap thinking maybe if he wasn’t as awful as he seemed to be that we could fix things, that maybe we could finish the diary we had shared since grade school.  
He knew I’d have to take the train expressway to get to Gimpo International Airport. That was general knowledge. The question was whether he would show up to see me off. Was he perhaps not as emotionless as he wanted me to think? Was our relationship actually something precious to him?  
I waited as long as I could. The final train to Gimpo had just arrived, and if I was still planning on taking my plane to America, I would have to get aboard now. I stared into the crowd watching person after person wade their way through hoping that maybe one of them was him, but of course none of them turned out to be.  
“Ma’am,” the train attendant said. “We have to leave soon. Are you coming or not?”  
I didn’t dare answer him. I only turned back to check one last time if Kyungsoo would come, and sure enough in the distant horizon a stack shorter than the rest was coming to see me. My smile was bigger than I could ever remember it being. I nearly sprung into the air with glee, and as he approached me, he smiled back and I realized he wasn’t who I thought he was.  
It wasn’t Kyungsoo. It was the train’s conductor. D.O. didn’t show up after all.  
“Ma’am,” the trainer attendant beckoned once more. “We’re leaving.”  
The pieces of my broken heart pulverized to a finely ground dust, I sighed, “Yes, I’ll be right on board in a moment.” After the two train workers were aboard and I was the only one left on the boarding dock, I yelled just once at the top of my lungs. It didn’t make me feel any better; the person I thought I loved, the person I thought loved me had betrayed me. He stabbed me in the back and even turned the knife.  
I reached into my handbag and grabbed the unfinished diary and stared into one last time. A single tear of not sadness but remorse and condolence for my dead memories fell from my face and into the page. I closed the book sealing away that pain and locking away all those worthless memories and thoughts. Looking over the ledge at the rails which extended high from the ground, I thought what better way to end it. I tossed the book away and watched it fall to its timely demise. Good riddance.  
“All aboard!” the conductor shouted from the intercom. I entered the train with everyone else who prepared to start their own new and better life. Looking out the window, I was glad to leave behind this danky town. Do Kyungsoo, I was glad to finally be rid of you. Good riddance. Good riddance.


	2. EPILOGUE

It’s been nearly a year since I had last seen that awful guy. I hate to admit it, but I haven’t stopped thinking about him ever since the day I left. D.O., how could you do this to me? I hate him so much now. I’ll never be able to forgive him even in a million years.  
For months now, I’ve been a world apart from him doing what I always said I was going to do. I had made it to Yale, and my college studies had begun. America was so much different than Korea. I didn’t know what to do with myself when I first made it on campus. Before leaving, I never pictured myself as the one who’d struggle with this whole “English” thing, but now that I’m here, it’s a totally different story. The Americans speak so fast and use words I can’t understand very well. I feel so stupid asking people to repeat things all the time, and I can tell everyone else thinks so, too. I feel so out of place here. Does anyone like me at all? I’m all alone. Doesn’t that sound pathetic?  
All the time I’ve spent in this foreign land, however, has been used up thinking of him. How pathetic am I?  
Just this morning, he was the first thing to come to my mind upon waking. I remember the feeling I had when we were in bed together. It felt so right then, but to turn and find him gone, my heart had never felt so broken before. My bed feels so empty without him now, and my body is so cold. How pathetic am I?  
That wasn’t the first time we were in bed together though. Of course, our motives were much more innocent. Back then, D.O. was more talkative and at least a tad more willing to open up. I only wish my little D.O. had retained that childhood innocence even now. I remember it clearly. After a day of begging and pleading, the two of us had convinced our parents to let the two of us have a sleepover. It seemed inappropriate to them and looking back now I guess I can see why, but we were much too young to have done anything truly naughty.  
We only wanted to have innocent fun together, and when we got what we wanted, we were more than happy about it. That evening we spent fighting like we always did before we actually decided what we both wanted to do. We fought over what movie to watch, what games to play, who would sleep where, and what we wanted to eat. There was no end to the yelling. I’m sure my parents had gotten fed up with it.  
Reason being, after a few hours of dealing with us, they decided to leave two problematic 8-year olds alone to fend for themselves in a huge house in the country. On some level, I was elated they trusted me enough to leave me alone for the first time, but I was also scared of what I might do to D.O. given the chance. Even back then, I was smart enough to recognize how much I truly despised that boy. It’s a wonder why our friendship had lasted so long.  
My parents gone, the two of us slowly lost interest in the mundane activities we had been partaking in previously. I lied sprawled across the couch (– I fought hard to keep from sharing it with D.O. –) while he lied on the carpet twiddling with some of its loosest interweaved strands.  
“I’m bored,” he stated blandly as he pulled apart the carpet’s finely twisted fibers.  
“Don’t do that!” I scolded once I noticed the results of his childish act of destruction.  
“I’m bored!” he exclaimed in response.  
Typical of a child his age – still, you could always count on D.O. for a response much shorter than you could reply to yourself. I paused for a moment then answered him sassily, “Well, what do you want me to do about it?”  
He glared at me for a long time before he looked away dissatisfied that an answer didn’t come to him. Balling up into marble of negative emotions, he plopped his forehead in his arms and repeated again, “I’m. Bored.”  
For a second or two, I was mad that he didn’t find me or my house fun enough for him, but then I realized that I couldn’t agree more with him. I was bored to. So, I pondered and pondered as hard as my little brain could so I could come up with some sort of solution.  
Before too long, a number of minutes passed which of course to impatient children like us felt like hours, and even with all my thinking, I wasn’t able to think of something fun to do. On the bright side, as D.O.’s head slowly poked out from his makeshift shell, I had the feeling that something exciting was about to happen.  
“I want an adventure,” he said quietly at first. After I questioned it aloud, he repeated the same words only louder and more excited. “I want an adventure!” he exclaimed.  
“An adventure?” I asked him.  
“What do you think is out in the woods behind your house?” D.O. asked.  
It was such a weird and random question. My first instinct was to reply to him sarcastically. “Nothing, but woods.” That’s why they’re called woods I thought.  
If he hadn’t interrupted me, I would have said that out loud too. “I bet there’s treasure out there somewhere!” he continued to get excited. Meanwhile, I skeptically stared at him wondering why I had ever become his friend. To this day, I still don’t have my answer, but that’s beside the point.  
“We can use your dad’s metal detector! You think pirates buried treasure back there?” Only in his wildest dreams.  
“I’m not allowed to touch daddy’s stuff,” I said worriedly.  
“It’ll be fine!” D.O. insisted as he jumped to his feet. “I’ll use it so you don’t have to touch it!”  
He hurriedly sprinted so he wouldn’t have to hear my next rebuttal, and I followed him trying to convince him that this wasn’t okay. It didn’t take him long to find the device hooked up high on the wall of our garage, but being as small and adorable as he was, he struggled to so much as touch it with his fingertips even while jumping with all his might.  
The mistake in this situation was actually agreeing to help him by jumping and getting the thing for him consequently breaking the rule he was determined to bypass in the first place. Upon realizing this, I pleaded with D.O., “We need to put that back!”  
He glanced at me quickly then ignored what I said. Even if he had listened to me for once, we probably wouldn’t have been able to reach the hooks on the wall anyway.  
With a little testing, D.O. got a hang of how the device functioned and was ready to get to using it for real. Obviously, a young and adventurous version of the Kyungsoo we know today was the first to run out into the dark night despite my distant calls for him to wait. What did he think he was going to find without a flashlight? Who knows, but looking back on it, I find that childish excitability all the cuter.  
Finally having caught up to him, I turned on my flashlight as my feet got caught in root after root. “I don’t think we should be back here,” I worried aloud over the occasional beeping sounds of the metal detector. He didn’t answer which of course only made me angry. “D.O.!”  
“It’ll be fine!” he shouted in response.  
I wasn’t so sure. I pestered him and pestered him as we continued to wander aimlessly through the woods behind my house, and D.O. only insisted that once we found the treasure everything would be alright. He was annoying me more and more with every time he repeated it. We both knew there wasn’t any treasure to be found. It was part of the reason I wanted to go back inside. I didn’t want to see D.O. upset.  
As if just to prove me wrong, however, the metal detector suddenly started beeping like crazy. “We found it!” D.O. shouted happily. Meanwhile, I was too astounded for words. The normally emotionless boy I knew was now throwing around dirt like a mad dog. I thought to go find a shovel or something to help, but he was making good time with just his hands so I didn’t bother. Besides, it wouldn’t be all too long before he found what he was digging for.  
The sudden glare of light in the ground had him excited. He couldn’t formulate clear sentences as he fidgeted trying to pull it out of the ground. “What is it? What is it?” I asked just about as excited as he was.  
He was tugging hard as he could, but the hidden treasure just wanted to keep from being found. “I don’t know! Help me pull it out!” I wouldn’t ignore his declaration for help so as he got in a better position to pull out the buried piece of treasure I wrapped my arms around him tightly and prepared to pull him up as strong as I could.  
“Ready?” I asked. He nodded just once then squatted a little closer to the ground. Just then, I could feel my heart racing. I can remember quite clearly the sort of warming feeling that overtook me when I realized that I was holding that boy in my arms. It was the same feeling I had when he held me in his before.  
But, anyways, as I woke up from my sudden daze, I could hear D.O. counting down loudly. “...2! ...3!!” Hearing his yell echo into my ears and feeling him push from the ground with all the strength of his legs, I pulled him up hard as I could as he pulled at the glistening piece of who knows what in the ground.  
I fell over backwards with him falling on top of me bumping the back of my head on the tree that was behind us. I ignored the pain easily and gave myself over to the overwhelming excitement. We had found the treasure at last and freed it from within the earth.  
After brushing off the dirt that had flown everywhere and all over me, D.O. got from on top of me and I scrambled for the flashlight so we could get a better look at the treasure we had found. The dirt-covered face of the child who held it in his equally filthy hands was the same apathetic face that probably rested on him now. The one I had come to expect. I shone the light into his palm to be momentarily blinded by our newly found “treasure.”  
It went round and round but was never tired. Pointing its job – never has it been fired. Two hands without arms, a golden face that cannot speak, no eyes – cannot see, and a name that might disagree. Disappointed with the priceless artifact he happened to have come upon, D.O. handed me the poor creature and bowed his head in discontent.  
I called out to him as he walked away, “Wait, don’t forget all this stuff!” But he ignored me and off he went.  
It figures this would happen. After all the fussing and fighting he had done so we could come out here on some wild goose chase in the name of treasure, now that he didn’t find what he wanted, he’s going to go pout and I’d be the one to deal with it.  
With a sigh, I shone the flashlight on the well-dug hole to find the reason for our struggles with this “treasure” was the roots of the trees around us entangling themselves around it. I was rather impressed that D.O. was able to dig so deeply without a shovel or any tools to help him, but I guess that’s part of the reason why he was so upset. Although things aren’t always the way you want, there’s always something you can find satisfaction in even if it may just be that you hadn’t failed as bad as you could have. I always looked at things that way, and that’s how I saw our “treasure.”  
I stared into the face of the priceless jewel and spoke in its place. “7:36…” Out of curiosity, I checked its backside as well – 1897, a relic! How surprising that the vintage timepiece would be working after being in the ground for who knows how long. I could still hear it weakly whispering even now as if it had secrets of the past to tell me. Tick, tick, tick…  
Turned out by his failure to find treasure, D.O. took his anger out on me by giving me the full on silent treatment for nearly a week. I couldn’t give him the time of day though. I was much too absorbed with what we had found. After cleaning it up as much as I could, I found the way that wristwatch glistened in light as alluring as diamonds. I took good care of it from that day on rarely even taking it off except to shower and sleep. Even now, I still wear it at the end of my arm.  
What makes now different from back then? Aside from my broken off relationship with that devil, Do Kyungsoo, nothing really. I wear my watch out of habit and tend to check it periodically as if on command from a higher power. Thing is: the watch stopped working around the time I first left for the states. Because of how old it is, it was extremely hard to find batteries back home and now that I’m in America it seems that no one sells batteries that will fit for it. Even knowing this, I continue to look down expecting to see a time different than what it coincidentally stopped on.  
“7:36…” I whispered to myself checking it as I waited for the bus. I growled at myself having fallen fool to that stalled timepiece once again. I checked my phone for the real time then tried to calm myself with deep breaths.  
Pacing back and forth, I nervously searched my mind hither and yon for something to distract me, but I could only think of more things that made me angry. It was impossible to calm down. I had a temper that was hard to control and grudges that latched on to me like koalas to trees. That diary I shared with D.O. was one of the only things that helped me loose these feelings.  
Those times were long gone though, and I knew that. Yet still the ruthless film strips of my happier past played on an endless loop inside my mind. Thunder shook the ground beneath me, and as I looked up into the sky I saw the clouds forming together. A storm was approaching me. A single raindrop fell on the bridge of my nose as the memory of a similar chill haunted me.  
On an afternoon just like this, I had begun my daily journey back home when that same twang of thunder called out to me. By then, it had already started raining, and unfortunately for me, I was caught in this heavenly downpour.  
Things couldn’t get any worse I thought. I couldn’t wait to get home I thought. Jinxing myself. As I got further into town and closer to my parent's apartment, I began to notice an increasingly large number of guys following me. It was unnerving, but I kept telling myself it had nothing to do with me and walked with my books held as close as possible to my chest.  
Nicest word for my thought process would be naïve. Not very long afterward, a few guys decided to block my path from the front. Two of them were mildly attractive while the third was just a trainwreck. I couldn’t help but be judgmental; it was junior high – a much simpler time. Anyway, still a bit oblivious of the situation I was in, I tried to be polite and asked, “Excuse me – could you move out the way?”  
In retrospect, my tone wasn’t exactly as polite as I was trying to be, but who could blame me? I was trying to get home and out of the rain yet here these guys are. “What’s your hurry?” the ugly one asked.  
“I just want to go home so I can stop getting rained on.”  
“Here that, boys?” the guy called out. “This little girl just wants to go home!” Little girl? I was the same age as his friends looked and he’s calling me a little girl? The gang of hooligans chuckled and laughed making me all the more nervous about this situation.  
“What do you say we walk you home?” one of the better looking ones inquired. “Y’know, just to make sure you make it there safely.”  
“While we’re at it,” the ugly one added. “You should swing by our place, too.”  
It was getting worse and worse for me to stay her with my mouth sealed shut, but I hadn’t a clue what I could say to send them away. The ruffians snickered all about me as the ugly one stared me down as if awaiting my answer.  
Just before I could refuse him, D.O. called out from outside the circle. “Sunmi! Is that you?” The lot of them opened the circle so they could all get a proper view of the one interrupting their mischief making. At that time, D.O. was still relatively small. The guys were doubtlessly confused that one so young-looking would dare to step in.  
And they weren’t the only ones. “Kyungsoo?” I was going to ask what he was doing just then, but it was pretty obvious to everyone what was going on.  
“Who are all these guys?” D.O. asked feigning an innocence appropriate for his appearance. “Weren’t you on your way home? This isn’t the weather to be standing out in without an umbrella or proper clothing.”  
Suddenly, he had become very prudent, and I was at a loss for words. I simply glared at him hoping I could convey to him just how bad an idea this was. My messages weren’t getting through.  
“Hey, kid!” the ugly one interrupted. We both turned to him. “In case you hadn’t noticed, we and the girl were just in an important conversation. You ought to remove yourself from the premises or else you’ll wish you had.”  
Here, I was. Trapped, confused, scared, drenched in rain, cold as the day is long, and now D.O. was in a dangerous situation. I knew he wouldn’t leave me, but I didn’t want him to get hurt. I was ready to turn to him and tell him to leave, but right as I did, he grabbed me by the hand and jerked me off.  
To my surprise and that of the gang of guys behind us, D.O. had just taken me and ran without so much as a word.  
For a while, they chased after us. We were sprinting with all the strength our legs would offer us. It didn’t take too long for them to give up, but it took a while for us to notice. We honestly might have kept running either way. After finally losing sight of them, the two of us slowed down enough to where we could catch our breath. When we realized it wasn’t enough to simply slow down, we decided to just stand there backs bent, hands on our knees, gasping for air, and surrounded by a mist created by the unending onslaught of rain.  
It took me a moment to realize it, but if it hadn’t have been for D.O. coming when he did, I might’ve been in real trouble. Looking up to catch a glance of him through my dripping, rain-drenched hair, I started to see him a bit differently. That was the first time I thought we could actually become something more.  
Maybe it was just the rush from the moment I thought or maybe this would be the thing that changed everything. Maybe this was when he would return my feelings. I was young and I was reckless so I was allowed to think something like that. “Thanks, D.O.,” I said between my panting.  
He glanced up at me as he too continued heaving for breath. “Don’t worry about it,” he replied. “It was nothing.” We both knew how much of a lie that was.  
Daring to be direct, I broke the ensuing awkward silence. “Kyungsoo,” I said nervously in an inquisitive tone. “What do you think of me?”  
Suddenly, he stopped breathing altogether. The only sound that could be heard above my heavy breaths was the pattering of the rain against the ground. Even back then he couldn’t answer me that simple question.  
With more silence following my question, I spoke up again only seeking more answers. “Do you think we should date? Do you like me?”  
Sweeping the wet hair from my face, I could finally meet eyes with his and see that he was completely taken aback by my straightforwardness. He had no way to answer me, and I could tell he was scared of what that meant. I only wanted for him to be honest with me, but we stood in silence for what felt like a year with heaven’s tears still showering over us.  
In the end, I let the subject drop and thanked him for his little rescue mission before going on my way home, but I didn’t give up on him. There were several different occasions where I gave him opportunity to come clean about his feelings about me. I only wanted closure, but it seemed at all costs he was going to avoid just that.  
From there, the story continues in the way you know. If he wasn’t ready to confess, then I was going to pursue relationships elsewhere. I made attempts to move on many times, and whenever I did D.O. would grow increasingly cold towards me yet never was he able to tell me why or how he really felt.  
Even on that day, he couldn’t tell me what was in his heart. He used me and broke mine. I want to get over it. I want to get over him, but I can’t, especially not now. As it turned out, my heart wasn’t the only think that broke that day.

-

Two years later and this watch of mine still hasn’t moved. I can’t say I’m surprised given I haven’t had the time or money to buy the proper batteries yet still I look to it every day hoping it’ll have something different to tell me.  
The merry sound of laughing and stumbling footsteps next door only reminded me of how much I hated him yet I love him though I could never love him. I’ve been deluded by the night. Time intrudes my every dawn. Every new morning is hampered by the past. I wake up with thoughts of him, and go to sleep cursing his name. I thought that I could find a brighter future. What I chased after wasn’t the future, but rather the past so full of remorse.  
I went to the next room to look at the ever joyful one. He was witty maybe too much so. I looked at his face and could only see, only think to the one I loved. Sometimes he loved me too. How could you not love eyes as big and beautiful as his? They looked the same. Reminding myself that I don’t have him seems to be the only purpose for the doll. Innocent of any fault, but still subject to my resentment. I hate myself, and I hate the devil who had done this to me. Yet to know that I have lost him. I’m tired.  
Latching on to my leg, the one who now laughs haunted me with the memories of my childhood voiding the skies. He is not with me yet because of these laughs I can’t help but think he still lingers a few steps behind just like in our school days. Won’t he tell me his heart’s secrets? My own heart searches for him as if it still wanted to know. He is not with me. I’m tired.  
I don’t love him anymore – that one thing is for sure, but how I loved him. My studies can only distract me for so long. When I come home to these laughs, those footsteps, my heart calls out hoping that its voice would be carried by the wind. Maybe he hears it? What time is it?  
Someday, maybe he’ll be another’s, and I will have someone, too. He will have someone else. He’ll be another’s – his voice, his body, his infinite eyes. I know I no longer love him – that’s for certain, but maybe I love him. On days like these, I can only hold the joyously screeching thing in my arms knowing that I may never be satisfied that I’ve lost him. I hate him. I know that I hate him.  
This lasting pain will be the last one I suffer because of him. These passing thoughts are the last.  
Mom. I’m tired.

-

Two years have passed, but they felt like moments. It seemed like fate. D.O. got what he wanted – exactly what he wanted. The laughing boy as fate would have it ended up being a big fan of him and his “EXO.” That’s what brought me here. The Dream Concert – a wonderful summer evening I could be spending at home I should say, but as I realized four years ago, it’s no longer just about me.  
My parents spared no expense for the laughing boy. We had seats only 6 rows away from the edge of the stage. That wouldn’t stop the laughing boy from getting as close as possible, of course. We had arrived a bit early so I didn’t bother reprimanding him. I could use some time to myself even if it was only a few minutes.  
The nation’s girl group rehearsed their latest single on stage while I took the time to once again sift through my heart. I watched the precious laughing boy doing his best to hold himself over the protective walls so he could get a better look at the stage, and it awakened the memories of the days when D.O. and I begged and pleaded with our parents to give us everything we wanted. Does someone have the time? I recalled him doing the same thing after we had convinced them to buy tickets for a DBSK concert. I wonder. Is this how they felt watching us from afar?  
The laughing boy waved his wand vigorously as SNSD continued to rehearse. Imagine his ecstatic disbelief when the fairest of them all, Jessica Jung, waved back. To say that he was excited was an understatement. A few of the other girls soon turned to wave to him as well, and once they had graced him with a moment of their attention, the overjoyed laughing boy came running back to me. He said, “Umma! Umma! Did you see? They waved at me!”  
The way his eyes shimmered was the way that devil’s did in his youth. I can remember him turning to me and saying the same thing when we were at the DBSK show. Back then, I couldn’t stand him, and even now, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at his face the same. Yet still, the laughing boy’s eyes – they made me smile ever so gently.  
“Yes, Kyungsoo,” I replied as my voice shook. “I saw them.” My eyes started to water; the tears of sorrow, anguish, anger, and joy – an indescribable sort of feeling overtook me.  
“Are you okay, umma?” the laughing boy asked in a genuine concern the likes of which I could never expect with his father’s face plastered over his head. “Don’t cry, umma. Don’t cry.”  
My heart vacated my chest. The void was one I could not surmount. I hate him, but how I love him. In times like this, my feelings could only be known to the laughing boy. Only I could hold him close to me. Only feeling him breath against my chest could comfort me.  
I took him into my arms and let him sit on my lap as I said to him, “I’m not crying.” A blatant lie. “I’m just happy for you.” Happy and sad.  
How long has it been? I laughed at my own pathetic self wondering how I could still look to that watch for answers. Nothing ever changes. Perhaps, I’m still the person I was, too. Maybe he’s changed though. Four years. Could it be? No, I’m deluding myself. Everything is the same.  
That thought made me to shudder. I brought the laughing boy in closer hoping he could overpower my sudden chill. Everything is the same. I laughed at myself again. I’m such an idiot.  
“Umma?” the laughing boy questioned hearing me as I laughed away whatever sanity I held on to.  
I refuse to be the cause for his worry. I refuse to be the cause for my worry. But still, “I love you, Kyungsoo.” At least, I could say that much.  
Without too much time passing, the Dream Concert officially began. The venue was filled with screaming, restless fangirls (and fanboys, too). I went to the front row with Kyungsoo only wanting to make sure he wasn’t massacred by them or lost feeling in his ears because of their screeching. It was fate. Before long, it was that EXO’s time to perform. The girls all went even crazier than they had before. Kyungsoo was getting pretty restless, too. My heart raced relentlessly.  
EXO finally appeared and performed their latest song. They looked about as exhausted as I had become dealing with this child. I pitied them, but not that much. I still hated D.O., or so I thought. When he stepped forward to sing, as fate would have it, he stepped right in front of the two of us. We made eye contact and shared a glance for a minute or so. There were suddenly so many memories that flashed before my eyes reflecting back against his. What were mere moments felt like a reliving of many years of friendship as well as bitterness, but without pause, the performance went on. The moment passed.  
The rest of it was a blur. I can only remember feeling completely out of place, somewhere separated from all the fuss and confusion. The concert wouldn’t be too much longer before ending. I could be roused from my daze by the laughing boy’s giggling and cheers. All the idols graced the stage once more to greet their fans again and wave them goodbye. As EXO approached us, I was overtaken by nerves. I checked that vintage timepiece for the nth time trying to escape those infinite eyes, but when I looked up, there he was. The father of my child – the one I hated, the one I loved.  
Weeks later, my heart is still not satisfied. Having seen him and heard his voice, I dare to say it longed for more, but that’s something that would never be. If I were to reveal myself and the laughing boy to him or anyone, his reputation and EXO’s would be done. Even if I hate him, even if I love him, I could never do that. I would never do that. This child is mine to bare alone, and my love for this laughing boy, Kyungsoo, is more than my hate for that devil. But how I loved him.


End file.
